Even God Speaks ‘Patwa’

If God, the Supreme Judge, doesn’t speak ‘Patwa’, I’m really sorry for all those people in Jamaica and abroad who appeal to Him/Her every single day and night for divine guidance.  Yes, my God is both male and female; but that’s another story.
The prayers of the faithful often sound like this:  Du, Maasa Jiizas!  Memba di pikni dem mi a fait op wid.  No mek dem get iina no chrobl.  Yes, Laad.  An yu si di bad briid man mi de wid.  Du, no bada mek notn apn tu im.  Bad az tings bi, mi uda neva laik fi si im get wat im dizorv.  Tings naa ron so rait.  Bot mi ha fi memba we wi a kom fram.  Im did gi mi som swiit-swiit liriks wen im dida luk mi. Mi ha fi tek di gud wid di bad.
The man’s prayer might sound something like this: Laad Gad!  Yu si di uman we yu gi mi fi liv wid! Maasa Jiizas, wa mi du mek yu bring dong dat de kraasiz pan mi?  A no likl chrai mi chrai wid di bad-main uman.  Mi memba dem lang taim abak wen mi a put aagyument tu ar.  Di uman gwaan laik se bota kudn melt iina ar mout.  An nou, yu fi ier di briid a kos shi dis a kos mi.  Laad, tek di kies an lef di pilo.
That’s the writing system for our language developed by the Jamaican linguist Frederick Cassidy.  At first, it looks hard to figure out.  But, in fact, it’s quite easy once you get the hang of it.  The Cassidy system uses the same symbols for the same sounds all the time.  Not like English spelling which is quite irregular, or chaka-chaka, as I prefer to call it.
Just think of the range of pronunciations of ‘ough.’  Wikipedia describes it as “the most absurd English letter pattern,” noting that “the English language accords it nine different sound-symbol relationships, each of which bears no phonetic resemblance to the letters themselves.”